I'm tired of missed opportunities for the Kingdom. In spite of how I try, I somehow manage to miss opportunities to let God use me by the truckload. Usually, I guess I'm in my protective Christian sphere trying to keep the darkness away from my candle instead of letting my candle loose to break down the darkness.
This past summer, I lost a friend to suicide for the first time. I'm not going to get into theology vs. suicide, because that's way too easy when the victim doesn't have a name or a face. Will was a former roommate who had tried to make connections with old friends in the months leading up to his death. I went over to his house with our friend Josh, who goes to City of Refuge with me; we both knew something was up beyond the surface, but couldn't put our collective finger on it. Sadly, we let it go and didn't try to contact him again until it was too late.
This wasn't the first opportunity I missed to minister to someone. They pass me all the time, and five minutes later I think of how well I could've preached the Gospel to them if I had just come forth and done it. I think I tend to clam up in the unexpected because I'm trying to protect myself. But if I'm trying to protect myself, then that means I'm neither trusting nor allowing God to protect me. The worst part is that I can philosophize about the right thing to do all day long, but all my thinking comes to naught if I can't perform when the moment arrives. I feel like the guy in Saving Private Ryan who just stood there while the German soldier who just killed his friend passes right by. I still do the same thing I did all throughout elementary/secondary school, where I would imagine a scene where I got beat up or picked on, only with a different outcome. You know the only problem? All my wishing for different outcomes neither changed the past nor affected the future, except to heap more condemnation on me when I dwelt on past failures.
I want things to be different. I'm tired of the way things are. I'm tired of being Samson, of wasting all that God has poured into me for my own purposes but for none of God's. I'm tired of losing Wills.
"There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." -- Romans 8:1