Tuesday, February 8, 2011

40DLD-23: Hangups

I'll admit, I almost didn't know what to write about tonight.  I have to applaud all of the people who faithfully and consistently come up with good original content day after day.  This is tough work, folks.

Tonight is more on the "why I'm still single" vein.  It started back in 2002, when the Lord gave me a vision of the woman I would marry.  I've known this to have happened to other people in various forms, but in my case, I was lying on a friend's couch when i fell asleep.  As soon as the dream state commenced, I felt like I had someone lying on top of me in my arms.  I heard very strongly from the Lord, "Don't open your eyes.  This is your wife."  Out of sort of a holy fear, I obeyed.  Regardless of the temptation to sneak a peak, it seems that I already knew that waiting would be better.  After a set time of a few moments, He told me I could open my eyes, and I got a glimpse of her from the back.  This gave me enough information to know I wouldn't marry a white chick (sorry, ladies), but little else.  Soon, the dream was over and I was awake to try and figure out what just happened.  I knew the Lord was in it, because I knew even in the dream state that it was from Him, and afterward the certainty lingered.  I started to take a look at all the girls in my vicinity, and became fairly sure that none of them fit the bill.

The following summer, I went to the Student Institute of Campus Missions up in Rhode Island.  It was a Chi Alpha event, a nine day seminar on student ministry leadership.  It was a great experience, and I only wish we had had something like that for the XA chapters in the rest of the country to attend.  While I was there, I met an Indian girl, we'll call her Supriya, and the way I saw her one night made me think she was the girl from the vision (it boiled down to similar skin tone and the right color t-shirt).  I made some effort to communicate with Supriya while I was there, but didn't actually tell her what I was thinking until several months later.  We had a small amount of communication over the next several months, then I did something that really offended her, and she never responded to me again.  I got one mass email that she probably didn't realize she sent me, updating me on her life and career.  I tried several more times to contact her, but to no avail.

But I didn't give up.  I was so certain that Supriya was my wife that I stayed hung up on her for five years.  Yes, really, five whole years.  Nothing could convince me that she wasn't my wife, because I had determined that to be the case in nine whole days of knowing her, and having no contact whatsoever was only going to make the reunion story better.  To further the problem, a neat little invention called FaceBook came along, and all of the people I had met at that conference had an account...except one (well, there were more than one, but only one I cared about).  I tried using the googles, but she proved to be completely impossible to stalk, as she had almost no internet footprint.  I, on the other hand, have plenty of things the googles know about me.

So yeah, five years.  In some respects, it was good that I was hung up on her, because it kept me out of other relationships that wouldn't have been right.  In other respects, it didn't keep me out of everything, but that's a post for another day.  I finally gave up on her when I, you guessed it, fell for another girl.  Another Girl still wasn't right, but at least it got me to give up on Supriya.

And I'm not the only Christian that I've seen do this.  They look in the face of signs pointing the opposite direction and declare, "I know that ______________ is the husband/wife God has for me!"  Why do we do that?  Part of us loves the love stories that come out of Hollywood so much that we can't wait until we have our own to tell; another part of us gets impatient and tries to write that story ourselves (I know I do).  I hate to waste a good plot or line, so I try to engineer those into relationships.  But the more I do that, the more I find I don't need to be the one doing the writing.  Hebrews 12:2 tells us that Jesus is "the author and the finisher of our faith." 

Maybe I need to go back to the spirit of that original dream.  Keep your eyes closed.  He'll tell you when you can open them, and out of holy fear, not a second before.

"For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry."  Habakkuk 2:3

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