Wednesday, August 10, 2011

14 Facts about Southerners: A Guest Post by Tyler Tarver

When I first got back into blogging, one of the first sites I stopped by was Sharideth Smith's blog, guest posted that day by Tyler Tarver.  I commented and he replied and I felt so dadgum star struck that I couldn't function for a week.  Then I saw one of his videos and I'm like, "Whoa, this guy's definitely from Arkansas," which is like Louisiana's upper half.  How he got a video camera, computer, and internet connection, I'll never know.  Somewhere in there he decided to give a bunch of people guest posts so he could sell another copy or two of his book, which is what he's doing here today.

Tyler Tolliver said offering to guest post was like asking me if he could come over to my house and watch my TV.  I say it's more like him asking if he can come over to my house and cook for my family and maybe do some dishes and other random chores while he's at it.  If you like this, and even if you don't, you should read his book because it's full of other fun stuff too.

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I’m from Arkansas, which is like the Washington DC of the South. I like to think Alabama is harder to understand and Mississippi is stupider (statistically), but people just have this stigma about Arkansas being dang ol frum da sowth. 

I like it though. You know why? When I’m filling out a form and I’m scrolling down, I only have to go down to the 4th state. Alphabetically, we win. Well, fourth, technically. Alaska’s disqualified for obvious reasons.

Old Zechariah is from up north like a hot air balloon, so I thought I’d take a New York Little Rock Minute to explain 10 Facts you may not know about The South.

Why am I qualified to give you unwavering and completely correct list? Cause Arkansas and I have the same birthday. Yeah, that just happened like a slap to the heart and you’re so vein, you give love a bad name. Like Arthur or Herbert or Winston.
  1. We don’t date our relatives, but the ones that do are chastised accordingly are easily discernable cause they have birthmarks that look like hands protruding from their faces.
  2. It’s not that we don’t understand them, it’s just that skinny jeans are ugly.
  3. We like our accent. It’s friendly and sexy (think more: Matthew McConaughey; Less: Tyler Tarver) and we don’t sound curt like we’re always p-ed off (p is for perturbed).
  4. We don’t envy big city people because grass smells good and no one wants to  bomb us.
  5. Big fans of their football, especially of the college variety. I’m talking Dillon Panthers Fans type fans.
  6. We’re probably carrying a pocketknife and/or pistol.
  7. If your establishment doesn’t serve sweet tea, we will never return there.
  8. We’re not racist. Well, some people are, but we hate them too. 
  9. We’re not less intelligent because we talk slow, we’re just trying to filter out all the impolite things other location people might just say and/or chewing something that rhymes with spoal (not personally, but I know people).
  10. We all hate The Yankees because it’s probably in the Bible somewhere.
  11. We don’t brush our teeth with cornbread, often.
  12. Some might correlate the high rate of obesity with the unhealthy food, but it’s really because of the lack of exercise and the consumption of unhealthy foods.
  13. People say we’re nicer but that’s probably just because we don’t have to worry about running into anyone from The View. 
  14.  In order of preference, from disliked term to preferred term: redneck, hick, country bumpkin, hillbilly, country boy, good old boy, from the south, elegant, sophisticated, superior, sir/ma’am.
Thanks Z, I hope this helps get a grasp on the mechanics of southern people. Sorry it wasn’t funny. You look really pretty today.

Tyler Tarver is a person that is taller than a hobbit but shorter than a million hobbits. You can check out his website tylertarver.com, subscribe to it here, check him on Twitter @tylertarver, or just buy his brand new toilet book which he won’t shutup about titled Words&Sentences that 4 people have said is “funnier than sliced bread.” He’s not as attractive as you, but he sure does love you.

7 comments:

  1. Silly Tolliver, you speak about as slowly as the Micro Machine Man.

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  2. I've always liked California for it's quick accessibility on a scrolling list of states. But I guess you win, sir.

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  3. This made me feel at home, since I am from the south, well if living in a crowded beach town in Florida counts.

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  4. awesome list! I am not from the south, but now I wish I were. was. are.

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  5. I'm southern and I endorse this list.

    I'm specifically from Alabama which alphabetically kicks some razorback...back.

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  6. I always suspected hating the Yankees was in the Bible. Your assumption of it confirms it for me, no more proof needed.

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